There are so many things I want to say to you. So many unanswered questions. So much resentment. Too much wasted emotions running riot.
Did I inherited any of your genes? Do I look like you? What did you look like anyway? Did I get my bad temper from you? How did you like your coffee? Did you know the amazing family you missed out on? Are there multiples in your family?
Did it ever cross your mind that your families would one day meet? I’m sure it didn’t occur to you that I had to be careful of who I dated just in case it may be a relative? And you probably didn’t think that I’d have to watch who my kids get involved with either.
IF I could have just one chance to speak with you, do you know what I would say?
Now you’re pushing up daisies, and I wonder if you ever even wondered about mom? She was a child once too. Did you know about us? I have 2 sisters, you know. Your daughter raised us and showed us so much love considering she didn’t have you to set an example. We are an awesome bunch actually.
My mother heart aches for my mom when I think about her growing up without a father. My woman heart gets so mad when I think about how you treated gran. Gran’s is doing great by the way.
My curious side wants to know more about the person you were up to the moment you closed your eyes for the last time. The other part of me knows that it may not be the best idea to look your family up and remove skeletons from the closet.
You see I’ve got my family and they’re more than enough for me. But I still need to know who exists on your family tree. Not for my sake and certainly not for mom’s. I need to be aware of all blood relations for my kids sake. I’ll probably do some investigation in secret but I need to know. Did you ever have more kids? How about a wife?
My kids are growing up and luckily their family trees are complete. Great grandparents are not really featured unlike my incomplete trees I’ve made throughout my school years. Then again, I come from a line of strong women. On both sides actually. And guess what? I’m strong too.
There is a whole lot I would ask you if I ever got the opportunity to meet you but that’ll never happen. You’re pushing up daisies.
*This is a letter to the ‘grandfather’ I never knew and never will. May his soul rest in peace.