About two weeks ago an employment agent contacted me about a position I applied for some time ago. Clearly with all my applications I sent out the past few months, I had no cooking clue which one he called about but I listened and sent him a picture of me upon request. Yes, companies now want to see who’s applying for the positions. Hmm… I wonder if they can my level of intelligence or stupidity by a picture. Or is there some pervert on the opposite side of the screen?
Fast forward to yesterday, I had put that opportunity firmly behind me because I’ve gone through the motions of getting excited about similar calls and wasted my time and money going to interviews at companies who didn’t even have the decency to call me afterward to say I was unsuccessful. Then the same agent called me again and invited me for an interview on the company’s behalf. For a brief moment excitement coursed through me as I thought of everything I’d have to do in preparation for the interview. You know, like wash my hair, research the company, do my nails, brush up on some knowledge, pick out an outfit, read through my CV a few times etc. But as I researched the company (like I’ve done with so many companies before) and read through my CV, I noticed that I was merely going through the motions and the bout of excitement I felt earlier was gone.
Instead tears threatened to spill because even though I hoped that it would be MY job this time around, I couldn’t help feeling despair. Despair for the same outcome I’d experienced too many times this year. You see, I’d lost hope a while ago and no amount of positive thinking on my part or words of comfort/encouragement from loved ones can make me feel any better than I do because I’m still unemployed and rejection after rejection does take its toll sooner or later. Being self employed has some perks and if life wasn’t so darn expensive I would put less energy into looking for permanent employment.
Typical of me, my mind wandered to other situations where people may have lost hope and how meaningless words are quick to spill from our mouths. If someone’s lost their jobs the obvious response is “Don’t worry you’ll find another one that is much better”. If someone is hungry or in need of warm clothes our natural response is “Shame”. When someone’s lost a loved one to death “Don’t worry everything is going to be ok”. My personal favourite to loathe is “Everything happens for a reason.”
Just thinking about those words made bile rise up my throat. How in the hell do people naturally assume they know that everything is going to be ok? If everything happens for a reason then was the reason behind all of this for the “the black dog” to bite me in the behind? Yes depression creeps up on you and you start feeling worthless on more occasions than you care to. I haven’t found anything better yet folks so please tell me where to look because all I’ve found is bitterness. Was that what I was supposed to be looking for? And don’t give me “Shame”. I don’t want it and I don’t need it. I may or may not have told some people off about trying to encourage me knowing they meant well and all. But knowing they mean well still doesn’t account for empty words. Don’t tell me what you think I want to hear.
Truth is, when someone is going through a bad patch and they’re despondent the best you can do is to keep quiet and listen to them vent, when they do decide to confide, without giving generic words of encouragement. Think about it this way, if someone’s hungry and they ask you for food are you going to give them a cookbook knowing they won’t be able to afford to buy any of the ingredients?
So what did I do in preparation for this interview today? I cried and cried, never got around to washing my hair and my nails do not even have the slightest hint of a nail colour. Many may say that it’s a bad move and normally I would agree but not today or even yesterday. Maybe I’ll start caring tomorrow. Honestly I didn’t not get around to grooming, I just didn’t feel like it. I’ve washed, brushed my teeth and got dressed. Today I just want to get the interview over and done with. Somewhere inside me I guess is a tiny flicker of hope seeing that I am going after all, but since I’ve been down this road before I’m not holding my breath.
On the bright side though… This morning I found my ID that’s been hiding from me for a while.