About ten years ago I was on a ship and realized why sailors drink. No amount of motion pill popping helped, so I turned to alcohol. Every G& T made me feel more at ease until I felt like I was the motion of the ocean. Walking on deck was like walking on air and for a moment there I felt like “The king of the world”. The wind in my hair, the sun on my face and the ocean stretched out in front of me. If my life had a soundtrack, I’m sure that at that very moment the melody of “I hope you dance” would be playing.
The vague memory I have of that day was a good one although I’m not fond of ships nor alcohol. In fact it scares me. Not being in control scares me. No amount of alcohol will ever get me back on a ship. I’ve never even humoured my kids by going to Robben Island with them. I’m sure they’ll live. Right? Besides the morning after was a killer and getting the tangles out my hair was worse. I’ve long since learnt that alcohol and I will never have the kind of relationship that was just meant to be. That ship has sailed too. So has many others.
Friendships and relationships. So many has come and so many has gone, yet everyone, good and bad has had an impact on my life. Some call it seasons and I call it ships. Some are made for the long haul and others are meant to just pass in the night. Like actual ships that are made for the ocean, the ships between people scare me too. I’ve come to realize that even though I love people and love being around them, I’m also afraid of relationships. Human nature intrigues me yet I’ve become more of a silent observer. Thinking about it, there’s been no major occurrences that led to this, like a friendship gone bad or a broken heart. I suppose it’s a sum of all the observations made over the years and my fear of commitment. Committing too much and failing at something or worse, someone. Living up to people’s expectations is hard work. Some people are never satisfied.
My journey in life will never be complete and I do know the importance of all the ships in life. It doesn’t mean that I’m always open to it or that I close myself off to it. We all need somebody to lean on. I suppose it’s knowing myself and choosing what I allow in my life that will determine the direction of the sails (If that makes any sense?) Then again the weather is unpredictable, so we need to constantly adjust our sails and conquer our fears if we want to move forward.
Here’s to my next ship coming in…