Why Christian Grey (the movie version) won’t be seeing the inside of Chez Jonkersville

If I could get a R5 for every person who’s asked me if I watched 50 Shades of Grey the movie or a R10 for every person who’s offered me a pirate copy, I wouldn’t be rich at all but I would be able to have an awesome breakfast at Skilpadvlei, have a full body massage at Placecol, get a paraffin wax pedi, lunch at Neethlingshof and a salad for supper at… well anywhere really. I’m not big on salad and after a big lunch I probably won’t want supper. All of that could be done if a) those R5’s and R10’s were guaranteed and b) I was actually interested in watching the movie.

When I read the book I was like Wowzers *eyes wide and shut*!!! Way too many sex scenes and it just convoluted the Twilight love story. I was quite happy for Bella to be the socially awkward girl and her romance with Edward to have the whole Bollywood chemistry going on. It was a major turn off and I stopped reading immediately. Normally I read any book, no matter how good or bad, right to the last page because I’d just die without knowing how a story ends. This however was my exception. This was also before the writer changed the book title and the character names and it became a book in its own right and not just a Twilight fan fiction write up named Master of the Universe.

When the official 50 Shades of Grey was released I went out and bought the books. As much as I love E-reading, nothing comes close to the feel and smell of books. I guess I’m old fashioned like that. By this time my mind had permanently deleted the previous bits I read and I wanted to know how the story would unfold. I felt like a naughty school girl reading book 1 and read it in one go on one day. Did I mention I love, love, love reading and it’s difficult for me to put it down? It’s like escaping reality for a while and I allow myself regular whiles. That and the fact that I just had to know what the fuss was about.

In record time (turning pages and admittedly skipping very many sex scenes and being bored to tears with book 2) I finished the trilogy. I had many mixed emotions about it. I would’ve liked more romance and less BDSM but as an author I think E.L. James did a brilliant job at thinking outside the box. I even envy her for writing this on a train while commuting to work. I wish I could finish my books like that.

These past few years the books have had many critiques but it also inspired some women to get more creative in the bedroom and, much to husbands and partners delight, experiment in unchartered waters. I’d lie if I say I wasn’t a bit intrigued by some of those things. The realist in me saw the book for what it was. Just. A. Lot. Of words neatly typed in three books with discreet covers.

It made me think how we all long for a little fun and excitement sometimes. Heck I would love for some rich dude to be all gaga over me. Which reminds me that if there ever should be a next time, I’ll marry for money instead. Hopefully to the same guy I’m married to right now but he would have to be loaded.

The problem with those books, and most other books of its nature, is that it makes us view our own lives and relationships under a microscope. It is then when we feel that our existence is nothing but mediocre and our relationships lack. We nit pick and find fault where there is actually no fault. True some relationships do lack in certain departments but who is to blame for it? Relationships, especially marriages seem to have lost its life and we have this perception of what we think it should be like and get discouraged and overwhelmed with disappointment if it’s not like books, movies or sitcoms. Heck everytime things don’t go the way I want it to go in my marriage I feel like just sending this boy (the hubster) back home to his momma’s house for a long stay of the permanent kind. I usually end up keeping him around because I’m one of those ‘failure-is-not-an-option’ people in all areas of my life. Oh and he keeps me grounded because I thrive on dramatics. There is no magic formula to break the winter seasons we face but that’s where the beauty of working at it comes in.

Everyone who’s watched the movie thus far was extremely disappointed and if the negative reviews I’ve seen online makes me not want to waste my time. For me books are generally better than its visual counterparts. Reading is much more powerful than watching a movie but watching it would mean that the “mommy porn” is just real porn. I don’t think I’ll ever be ready for that so Christian Grey: “Sorry but you’re going to have one less viewer in me and watching you on my dvd, that is solely reserved for Frozen, would just feel wrong.”

FYI: This blog was not written with granny pants on. The Prudes still live nextdoor.

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