New me on the loose

Pre marriage I vowed to not become one of those women who become all consumed with their husband and kids. Never to wear bloomers (especially beige ones) or cross your heart bras, talk about which detergent makes whites whiter and colours brighter. I would be a cool mom who kept up with the latest trends and music. I would not get together with my married friends and complain how tough marriage is or how my husband would leave the toilet seat up. Along with that and a whole few other not-to items on my list, I promised myself that I would be one of those ‘growing-old-gracefully’ type of women who still wore fashionable clothing and takes care of herself.

Yesterday we had impromptu visitors and I whipped up some cupcakes in a flash. The ganache topping didn’t quite turn out the way it’s supposed to but our guests enjoyed it. The realization that I’m fast turning into those real homey mommy-ish wife types came crashing down like a ton of bricks. The kind who is always ready for action and can turn nothing into something at a moments notice. Some type of Brady bunch woman.

I spent some time lying awake last night wondering if it’s a good or bad thing. Do other women my age do this as well? Am I losing myself to this woman staring back at me from the mirror? These days I wear more skirts and dresses, hardly wear make up, swopped my heels for sensible shoes and the idea of a late night doesn’t appeal to me as much as it did a decade ago. In fact I need to mentally prepare myself for outings at night. As maturity crept in and I evolved (without notice) I slowly started drawing lines through most of the items on the ‘not-to’ list (also without notice). Am I finally becoming a grown up? These were the thoughts that kept me awake most of the night.

At 5am this morning I realized how the silly girl in my head got all worked up for nothing and the lost zzz’s is so not worth it. As I sit and recall my thoughts of last night and take it for what it is. Fear. The fear of losing myself and my individuality. That list never had anything to do with marriage or kids. It was all about me and the person I am and want to be. Truth is I don’t want to just be ‘His’ wife and ‘Their’ mom. I want to be ME while being the best wife and mom I can be. I can only be great at other things when I’m being true to myself.

As I got dressed this morning I smiled because I will never be able to wear cross your heart bras unless they design a range for flat chested women. Bloomers are still a no-no. I wear dresses, no make up, flat shoes is because I’m more confident in my thirties than I was a decade ago. I don’t need the trimmings most days. I love having guests and entertaining so I go the extra mile to welcome anyone who comes around. As for my conversations about washing powder… It beats talking about the weather any day. The me today is an enhanced version of the girl I once was yet I keep her entertained in my head to remind me not to lose focus and be consumed with this adult business. I’ve become the woman I’d like my girls to be one day. No pressure obviously.

Keeping up with trends and especially music is not negotiable on any level for two reasons.
1) I need to make sure that my girls grow up with good self images and dress modestly regardless of fashion trends.
2) The music with the cool beats often have trashy lyrics. I’m no prude but listening to men defiling women and women delighting in it is disturbing. It is for this reason I need to censor what the listen to. Thankfully those artists manage to turn my kids off when they see the music videos. It makes me proud that my kids are starting to discern on their own now too.

When I do get together with my friends we laugh at all the funnies and mistakes we make while trying to figure things out. While it is sometimes tempting to complain about husbands, we have this unspoken rule where we only speak positivity into our lives and that of our families.

I don’t look great everyday and I won’t even try to justify it. Sometimes I simply don’t feel like it. Home is after all tthe place I can look ugly and enjoy it right. But I do wear heels when I do some tedious task like ironing or clean the house. Or I apply make up when the mood strikes even when I’m home and wearing a shorts and t-shirt. There’s got to be some grace in that, I should hope. Then again there is still time to work on that. Time doesn’t stand still and I’m growing older every second.

So that’s my story for now. I wish for a good nights sleep tonight and that my curiosity over what other women my age do does not keep me awake.

I’d still like to know though… Do they really just embrace growing older? Do they lose themselves overnight or is it a string of occurrences and experience that leads up to it? Am I the only one that’s being silly about ageing and maturing? Or am I just over thinking this as much as I do other things?

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